Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
