Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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