she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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