Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
