remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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