apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
