What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
