I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
