she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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