I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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