girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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