cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
