Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
