the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
