well you can't waste a boner
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
