Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
