I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
