Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
