Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
