also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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