i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
