I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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