We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
