Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
