I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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