he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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