I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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