We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
