you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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