Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
