Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
