I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize