Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
