when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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