I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
