i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
