I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
