There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
