I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
