I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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