Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
