I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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