you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Pappa wants mamma naked
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Congratulations! We have a period
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