My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
