Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
