Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
