I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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