It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
