I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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