I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
handjob tips. give me some.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
