I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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