Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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