I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
