I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
