girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
