I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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