i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
