my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
