Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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