No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
