i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
