apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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