She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
